Sunday, 9 May 2010
The One Night Wonder
The One Time Wonder is a particularly tricky and dangerous type of man. He employs a number of techniques that render him almost IMPOSSIBLE to identify. I like to think of him as sort of the box jelly-fish of the dating world...drifting along, looking harmless...but what you must remember is that he is both toxic and spineless. He has a complex and varied ritual which I will try and simplify for you- but please be aware that while I have been a victim, I am by no means an expert on this vile and merciless beast.
The scenario will possibly go something like this:
You go out on the town and meet a man. He is most probably not a demi-god, but you're no oil painting yourself. You drink enough to find each other attractive, use all your best flirtatious banter and before you know it you've invited him back to yours for a "drink" [for this read riding him like Sea-Biscuit]. In the morning, you awake with all your normal fears- will he think you're a slut for having slept with him right away? does he think you're hideous in the harsh light of day? has he noticed that you haven't had a bikini wax since Ugg boots were actually acceptable footwear? However, the OTW does not appear to have noticed these things. Instead, you engage in witty pillow talk, and a morning shag [surely a good sign that he is not physically repelled by you]. Afterwards, you cuddle...he strokes your hair, and over breakfast you make plans for a "proper" date. When he kisses you goodbye you are quite, quite sure that this is the start of something. That evening you receive an adorable message about how much fun he had and how he is looking forward to your date.
You spend all week preparing for the date. Gay Best Friends are called over in order to tell you which outfit makes you look the most like girlfriend material and less like a girl who got drunk and dropped her knickers 5 hours after meeting you. You pay a visit to Ellie, your Turkish waxer, who may have no boundaries while applying lotion but leaves you smoother than you've been since puberty. You wait for him to text and confirm...and you wait. When it gets to a day before your proposed date, anxiety sets in. You spend all day looking at your phone, constantly checking to make sure that you have reception. You may even have someone text you to make sure that you are, in fact, receiving messages. If you're anything like me, you might even stoop as low as calling his phone from your work phone (with-held number...cunning), in order to check that his phone is indeed on (clearly you hang up when he answers and feel your dignity slowly starting to ebb away).
By that evening you simply cannot take the pressure any more, and send him a veeeeeery breezy text message (that took you and 2 friends over half an hour to compose), asking if he is still on for tomorrow. Your phone becomes a ticking time bomb. It mocks you. You scream down the phone at your sister (how DARE she phone from Australia and tie up your line? So what if she's knocked up!!). Still nothing. Tumbleweed rolls through your living room. You eventually drag yourself to bed (clinging to the thought that he may still get in touch-perhaps he left his phone at home? Been in a car accident? Contracted gangrene and suffered a double amputation of the hands rendering him unable to use the phone?) and sleep with the phone on your pillow. When you wake up there is still nothing. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You go through everything that happened in your head. Can you have imagined it? Are you that tragic that you have projected a possibly relationship onto a man who was clearly uninterested? NO- you didn't. May I remind you, ladies, that this man not only slept with you in the morning, but also STROKED. YOUR. HAIR.
Soon you realise her will NEVER call. Or text. You have simply fallen victim to The One Time Wonder- a man who drifts into your bed...and then drifts out again...leaving only a tentacle-like trail of despair behind him, which if you are really unlucky, can be accompanied by a stinging sensation when you pee.