Friday, 14 May 2010

How To Breakfast When You Are Entertaining A Gentleman Caller

I feel like is time to make sure you realise that MIWIHSW is not just about sex and dating disasters...I do in fact have many other interests. As well as reading to the blind, weaving my own clothes from hemp, and whittling toys for Nicaraguan orphans, I also enjoy cooking. I'm actually rather good (which is why if the way to a mans heart was really through his stomach, I should by all rights have a boyfriend...but I have obviously ceased to listen to such archaic, misogynistic phrases, sob). Rather ingeniously, I have thought of a way to bring this skill into my blog, and thus I present to you a MIWIHSW three step guide: How To Breakfast When You Are Entertaining A Gentleman Caller.

STEP 1: Nothing. This is what you should do if you wake up next to a man who you have absolutely no interest in (or perhaps do not remember bringing home), and wish to get rid of quickly. Do not offer him anything. Not even water. Hopefully this way his hunger/dehydration will drive him from your bed as soon as possible. If he lingers, get up, put on some vile tracksuit bottoms (the ones you've had since school that might possibly have curry stains on them), and put something like Loose Women on TV ( form more extreme cases a DVD of "Beaches" or "Steel Magnolias" should be utilised). I guarantee he will leave immediately. If he doesn't, he's mentally unstable and you should call social services.

STEP 2: Tea and Sympathy. This is a no-nonsense breakfast. It says, "I like you enough to get up and make you a cup of tea and possibly some toast, but not enough to actually cook." This breakfast is usefully employed to make you seem aloof and not too needy. It can be accompanied by some low level banter but does not invite the recipient to hang around. It gives the message: "I am strong independent woman, I have many better things to do today than cook for you". He does not need to know that once he leaves you will probably sit on the sofa all day, eating bacon, waiting for him to call.

STEP 3- Breakfast of Champions.
Ah- the king of breakfasts, one for which I have a particular penchant. This is the nuclear weapon of breakfasts- to be used very carefully. Used correctly it is a force to be reckoned with, but deployed in the wrong circumstances, it can cause irreparable damage. The Breakfast of Champions (also known as the Please Fall in Love with Me Breakfast), will possibly involve you waking up before the object of your desire and will probably (unless you're a freak who actually has food in their refrigerator on a Saturday morning) involve you going to the shop. You have to strike a particular balance- it should be impressive, yet it must appear to be effortless- and here is the cunning should render him so full and content that he may want to cuddle on the sofa or even go back to bed.

I have been honing this breakfast for a number of years now, and have two tried and tested menus. Both should be accompanied with orange juice (don't squeeze this yourself- it will not make you look attractive, unless he is after some kind of sex-crazed Martha Stewart), and the paper (I like make sure that it has a style section for you and sports section for him- this way we can both read over breakfast and I can pretend that we are a married couple and 'absentmindedly' say something like "oh darling, can you pass the salt", without him really noticing).

A) Eggs Benedict. For this, you have to turn to the oracle that is Delia Smith. She may not be sexy, but she is a self-made millionaress AND she has a husband. Respect. Don't buy your hollandaise- its really easy to make it, tastes much better, and is much more alluring to be able to say you whipped it up from scratch. The secret is timing- make sure that you have it assembled before you nonchalantly call out that breakfast is ready- then slide it under the grill to get a nice caramelised top to the hollandaise.

B) The All American- Bacon, Eggs and Blueberry Pancakes. The blueberry pancakes are a particular hit- though be careful you don't make the same mistake I did and let a man walk in on you sobbing because you couldn't get them to form perfect circles. You should look effortless and chic, not OCD.

*however, if you can't be bothered to make them from scratch, I'm not above asking my good friend Betty Crocker for help.



  1. Blimey. That's some effort. That said, I've been known to make smoked salmon and scrambled eggs in my time. For all the good it's done me.

  2. The late Formula One world champion, James Hunt, had 'Sex: The Breakfast of Champions' embroidered on his racing suit. :)

  3. I laughed aloud while reading this. The last time I made a boyfriend breakfast in bed he looked horrified that he had done something wrong. It was so unexpected (and out of character for me) that he ate in silence while looking guilty. I think I'll stick with the tea and toast method.