Tuesday, 18 May 2010


1. The "Reformed Slut". A woman who has conveniently forgotten that prior to meeting her current boyfriend/husband, she used to nail anything in trousers, or as my father would say, "had more cocks that John Wayne's gun". Now, however, she looks at you with pity and says things like: "You know that you'll never get a boyfriend if you continually sleep with men as soon as you meet them- just look at me and My James- he really respects me." You are waiting for the right moment to tell her that "My James" tried to stick his tongue down your throat on New Years Eve.

2. Women who get sent drinks in bars. I hate women who this happens to (mainly because it NEVER happens to me): they tend to be over groomed, over dressed, and overly pleased with themselves. It also propagates a distorted version of city living in which men lavish attention and expensive drinks on women at the drop of a hat. In reality (or my reality), you are lucky to get bought a warm glass of Pinot Grigio without a Rohypnol in it.

3. Women who make fun of other women for being fat.
This is only acceptable when I do it, because a)I am generally quite amusing, and b) I am myself, a little bit fat.

4. The "Boys Girl". The kind of girl who always has more male friends than female friends. This is because most women can't stand her as she has very little interest in talking to anyone who doesn't have a penis. She is incredibly irritating as she flirts outrageously with everyones boyfriends, yet "the boys" somehow don't see this as flirting. Thus if you mention anything about it you are branded jealous and unreasonable.

5. All Women Who are Thinner and Prettier Than Me.
I am aware that this includes almost all of my friends, but like many women before me I have long since mastered the art of burying my real feelings and relying on humour as a defense mechanism. It really works! You should try it! I leave you with the immortal words of Dawn French: "As far as I'm concerned, there are two types of women: the ones who like chocolate and complete bitches."

Image by Patrick Demarchelier


  1. You're my hero. x

    I am, on the other hand, realising we may never get to be friends... as you are either thinner than me or me than you. Same difference.

  3. Re: 1. There's no doubt that women change, but is it women changing or is it the relationship that changes the woman? I've been out with girls who were the dirtiest nymphos at first, but after a couple of years, things settled right down. Just saying.

  4. Hahahah I love your blog!


  5. discovered your blog through henry's twitter and i love it! it's so amusing and i'm definitely a follower!