Tuesday, 4 May 2010
THE PERILS OF INTERNET DATING
I'm what I like to call a Social Darwinist. What I mean by this is that I think we should find our mates the old fashioned way- out in the wild (or drunk in a bar), not from behind a computer screen. I know many people do find love like this, but this is my blog so I can say whatever I want, and I think Internet dating is creepy- and I'm going to share a little story a very close friend told me the other day...firstly because it illustrates my point and secondly becuase it is one of my all time favourte dating diaster stories.
Let me paint a picture for you: you meet a man through a popular Internet dating site. He is tall, dark and handsome (to be precise- 6 ft 3, athletic build). You arrange a date and arrive to find him sitting at the bar. As you make your way over to him, you find it curious that he has not got up to say hello. You find it even more curious when you see that there appear to be wheels on his chair.
This may not have been a problem, were you not thinking that you were going on a date with a man who listed his hobbies as kick-boxing and mountain biking. Even more perplexing still, he makes no reference to the fact that he is in a wheelchair/handicapped or that he may have mislead you. In fact, after an hour, when you finally bring it up (something along the lines of: "So- you're in a wheelchair." or something equally subtle), the only thing he does bother to explain is that he is still able to "perform" sexually.
Being a kind and liberal girl, you continue the date, and as your companion keeps wheeling himself off to the bar coming back with shots of sambuca, find yourself plastered. Now, this is where it gets awkward. Instead of listening to your inner voice of sensibility (ah, that's right, you drowned her out with alcohol, didn't you?)- you decide to go back to his flat for a drink- once here, you feel compelled to give in to the "pity snog", and subsequently find yourself astride him (in the chair) with your legs over his shoulders.
Suddenly you come to your senses, untangle yourself and make your excuses to leave. Unfortunately, once outside you realise that you are stuck in the middle of nowhere without a taxi in sight and have to be at work in less than 4 hours. Reluctantly, you call your date, explain your predicament and find he is incredibly enthusiastic about you return. Ten minutes later he opens the door, completely naked, complete with a massive erection. Alarm bells get louder as you spy a packet of Viagra on the counter, with one missing. Despite repeatedly explaining to him that you don't want to have sex with him, he spends the next half an hour chasing you around the flat...head first, so to speak. When he finally pauses, you hear a rustling noise and look over to find him sliding on a cock-ring. At that point you decide that you would be better off walking home.
Now, who can tell me that doesn't sound like a wheely bad date?*
*(come on, you can forgive the wheely bad pun).
*please also note that I have subsequently heard of 2 other women who have been on dates with this man- he got them both drunk on shots and tried to get them to come home with him. While my friend was the only one foolish enough to actually do so, women of South London should know that there is a wheel-chair bound sexual predator on the loose, preying on lonely Internet-daters. Beware.
Image by Miles Aldridge