BREAK-UP EXCUSES: TRANSLATED

EXCUSE: Its not you- its me.
TRANSLATION: Its you. Time spent with you is time which I could appropriate to other, more worthy pursuits: such as sleeping with other women or playing video games, and I resent this.

EXCUSE: You're amazing- I just can't give you the level of commitment that you need.
TRANSLATION: You are WAY too clingy- in fact, you are starting to make Glenn Close look like the ideal girlfriend. The other day I was fairly sure that I could acutally smell your desperation: it did not smell good. And please give me back my tshirt/boxers/hair from my hairbrush that I saw you steal the other morning when you thought I wasn't looking, crazy stalker lady.

EXCUSE: I just don't feel the same as I did when we first got together.
TRANSLATION: You have gained 10 pounds since I first met you, and this, combined with the fact that you no longer let me do you from behind, has rendered you surplus to my requirements.

EXCUSE: I'm just not ready.
TRANSLATION: I will never be ready, for you. I will, however, be ready for the 24 year old waitress I propose to 2 months after we break-up.

EXCUSE: I think that we should see other people.
TRANSLATION: I already am.

Image: “Forget It! Forget Me!” (1962) by Roy Lichtenstein, modified by Miss V