Friday, 11 June 2010


I was doing a little bit of research the other day about having sex with your friends (research you say? yes! research! That university degree was bound to come in handy eventually…), and I was a bit disappointed to find that everything I read seemed to be about 'Fuck Buddies' or 'Friends with Benefits' and a variety of other tragic 90's clichés. Now, I’m a big fan of the Fuck Buddy, don’t get me wrong- but I wanted to talk about what to do when you accidentally shag one of your friends. Not someone that you have a sexual relationship with, but the glorious, totally un-premeditated 2am “oh wouldn't it be hilarious if we just had it off” / oh-Christ-did-we-just-bonk kind of accident. However, I became increasingly disturbed because all I came across were scary pieces of advice like the one below. I have taken the liberty of highlighting phrases that make me want to vomit:

"How can you avoid potential confusion and pain? First, spend lots of time discussing up front the pros and cons, and the considerable emotional risk. Talk about the possibility of falling in love and how you would handle it. Talk about whether or not you’re comfortable dating others while being lovers together. Be brutally honest about how you feel and what you want. In short, have a direct, straight forward You and Me conversation and hold nothing back. Make your decision based on the reality of the choice, positive and negative, not the fantasy of it."

WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT???????? Have they never slept with a friend simply because they were hammered/had taken loads of ecstasy/were bored??

Well, my research has taught me two things- 1) don’t ever look for relationship advice on the internet and 2) there is a cyber-conspiracy to try and take the fun out of casual sex. These vile sites are spewing out “advice” which is surely designed to end the spontaneous friend shag: if I have learnt one thing in 28 years, its that nothing repels a man more that a “You and Me” conversation. Forget all of this rubbish about “discussions”, and long live the meaningless ménage a deux!

Luckily for you, I don’t shirk my field research either. As you may have read in my recent post (5 Women I Hate), my social circle isn’t exactly teeming with straight men. I have of course indulged in the odd friend-fling here and there (purely in the name of research, of course), but with my limited resources its imperative that I make sure they can stay friends- as I’m literally one homo away from being Liza Minelli. A while ago I found myself on holiday with a gentleman, who I adore but had never slept with -possibly because he was too busy shagging all my other friends, often in my spare bedroom at parties. Perhaps it was really only a matter of time, as we are two of a relatively small number of straight single people working in the fashion industry, and also often the only people still up at 4am (ok, 6am. sometimes later). Now, I'm a hoot- but after a while even the best of us run out of decent banter. Factor in WAY too much tequila, a bit of a tan, and next thing I knew we were having sex in the swimming pool (and possibly behind the pool shed) faster than you can say "Young British Designer". I climbed out of the pool with as much dignity as possible (difficult when you are barely able to walk- luckily the endowment rumors circulating LFW were true) and took myself off to bed with a chaste kiss on the cheek. We have never discussed it and continue to be great friends.

The reality of the situation is that if you want to stay friends with someone after you’ve crossed the sex boundary, your post-coital behavior is paramount. You must remember to suppress all of your normal post shag affectations – mine include some kind of weird chemical reaction that makes me want to whisper "I love you" every time I have an orgasm (does this happen to anyone else??)- and bitch-slap the part of you that wants to cuddle.

Once you've got yourself under control, you now have to make sure that your counterpart also knows what is acceptable. As long as you are both able to do this, we can all continue to mate with mates with no consequences. To this end, I've come up with some handy guide-lines: think of them as casual-sex commandments, if you will.

• He should from the moment of intercourse, refrain from referring to wanting to sleep with other women (especially your friends, and in particular, models) in your presence. Nor will he ask you to set him up with your friends.

• He should occasionally try and sleep with you again. This is so that you can have the option of having a shag, or if you're not in the mood, the opportunity to shoot someone down (revel in it. Sometimes it’s better than sex).

• He should invite you to any and all fabulous parties that he gets invited to.

• It is acceptable for him to refer to you as a "very close friend" in front of other people and wink at you saucily. You, in turn, will laugh graciously and pat his arm.

• He must always tell you that you look thin and/or pretty.

• He must always be available to accompany you to events where your ex will be present, and once there, lavish attention on you, perhaps occasionally uttering some of the following phrases:
- I know, she's breath-taking, isn't she
- I'd give my left ball to date her, but I couldn't bear to lose her as a friend
- She is a sexual goddess. She has ruined me for all other women.

If he breaks any of these rules you can tell everyone that he is impotent. And there you have it.

Image by Helmut Newton.


  1. You are a genius. That makes two of us.

  2. this post really is brilliant. new favourite blog, I think.

  3. Excellent topic

    Some of my friend on
    told me about this.

    I think this is best!

  4. hilarious! love the 'must use' phrases at parties featuring your ex.

    Great post! x