Why the NHS is Against Me

My suspicions about the NHS began when I received a mysterious envelope on Valentines Day last year. This was my only piece of post on this auspicious day, so you can imagine how pleased I was when I opened it to see that it was a reminder that I was due for a smear test. Which is just what you want to hear on February 14th when you don't have a boyfriend.

I am quite convinced that this was in NO WAY and accident, and that the NHS sent this in order to a) remind me that I did not have anyone to send me an actual Valentines Day card and thus b) taunt me and ridicule my lifestyle.

These suspicions were confirmed the other day when I received a phone call from my ex boyfriend. This was unexpected, as we no longer speak and now generally refer to each other as 'douche bag' and 'fat cow' respectively. He called me to say that some post had arrived for me at our old flat. I told him that it wouldn't be anything important and that he could go ahead and open it, and wondered aloud if this was some pathetic roux to get me on the phone. There was an incredibly long pause, after which he asked me if I had ordered anything from the NHS, and started laughing. After 5 minutes of hysterics, he informed me that my 'at-home chlamydia test' had arrived and hung up.

I did NOT order this test. Apparently the NHS sends out random free tests to all women of a certain age. RANDOM MY ARSE!!! As far as I am concerned this was a deliberate act of sabotage by an evil institution.

And that is why the NHS is against me.