Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Men to Avoid and How to Identify Them

1. The 'Arty' Student Who You Will Later Realize is Gay

- His jeans are tighter than yours.
- He watches True Blood and has seen all the Twilight films. Also "doesn't mind" watching Gossip Girl or Sex and The City, "if it happens to be on".
- You slink towards the bed in a black negligee. He puts down his copy of Brideshead Revisited and tells you that you look just like Audrey Hepburn. Then turns over and goes to sleep.

2. The Unemployed Man Who Has No Desire to Get a Job

- He was made redundant 6 months ago, and his biggest achievement since has been growing a beard. (Apart from the time he went down on you for, like, 2 hours. Now THAT was an achievement.)
- He returns from his 5 week golfing holiday for 1 day in order to sign on at the Job Centre.
- He lists his ideal job as 'Medieval King'.

3. The Army Officer

- On duty he is in charge of over 100 men. Off-duty he has a penchant for cross-dressing, and gets so drunk he wets the bed.
- He refers to his biceps as 'guns', and asks you (and complete strangers) if you would like a 'ticket to the gun show'.
- His nickname for his penis is Corporal Punishment.

1 comment:

  1. I dated an army officer who did all of the above except for wet the bed, though I'm pretty sure he'd probably done that at some stage before dating me. Yes, he crossed dressed at parties with fellow Army guys and played the 'lets get naked game', entailing someone saying those words and all of them taking their clothes off in a public place. He was so alpha, he was almost gay if you get me. His 'guns' featured regularly in conversation and he'd point to imaginary things every now and again just to flex them. He didn't have a nickname for his penis, but he did have a penchant for strippers because he's "in the Army". He dumped me. He was very very hot and I can be very very shallow.