Sorry, I've Been A Bit Tied Up...

Right. First of all I really must apologise- I know I haven't posted in an excruciatingly long time. I'm sure you must all be totally outraged and devastated that I have been depriving you of my witty repartee and tales of various sexual exploits. And there is a good reason behind my silence. I recently met an incredibly handsome, funny, independently wealthy man- with no emotional baggage and a burning desire to be in a serious relationship- and we are dating. *Falls over and cries with hysterical laughter*

Clearly this is not true. The fact of the matter is, I haven't had so much as a snifter of action in what feels like an eternity. I have also moved house and started an incredibly time-consuming new job...which is really a poor excuse for my practically nun-like existence, but I am entitled to be as deceitful with myself as I like in order to prevent myself from self harming/binge eating.

But enough of that. I do need to thank you all for your amazing responses to my Facebook shag dilemma. I feel that I have to share some of your advice, because a) frankly it is too funny not to and b) I need a subject for a blog post. I would like to preface the comments by saying that I did eventually reply to him and told him that under no circumstances would I sleep with him on a pre-arranged cyber sex date but that he was welcome to pick up the telephone and call me like a normal human being. He replied saying: "Thats OK, I like to work for it as it well brings out my A game." Needless to say, I have never answered any of his calls (as he is clearly more of a social mutant that I remembered if he thinks that was an appropriate response) and am going to be focussing on searching out fresh meat in the new year, about which I promise to update you regularly.

Below are my favourite responses- thank you all, and Happy New Year!!!!

-Be thankful he didn't create a public Facebook event page with the "Attending", "Maybe attending" and "Not attending" options. I actually think I might have preferred it if he had done?

-The words 'steamy passion' gives me literally the dry boak. This made me laugh out loud, even before I had looked up what "the dry boak" was...

-In reply to your most recent post:

a.) He used the term "steamy passion" which in my book deserves a clean slap with a brick (for his own good of course).

b.)I was recently in the predicament of wanting to ask a girl out for a drink but couldn't bring myself to do it over facebook.

c.)NO.

d.)Just NO.
I should point out that this was the only post from a male reader that didn't encourage me to go and sleep with him immediately.

-Wank. And then tell him to go grout his own asshole! My unrivalled favourite comment.

And the nominees are....

I was incredibly flattered to find out that I have been nominated for a Cosmo Blog Award. Quelle honour- a nomination from the home of the sex quiz!! I am duly humbled. Feel free to vote for me if you fancy it...

SHOULD I OR SHOULDN'T I: THE FACE BOOK F*CK

Now, I know that I haven't posted in ages and that everyone has probably forgotten about me by now. BUT, in my defense, I'm trying to buy a house, which it turns out is MUCH less fun than buying shoes, and MUCH more expensive. In short, it blows. But maybe, just possibly, I might end up with a walk-in wardrobe. Probably not though. Sigh.

Anyway, I digress. As I said, I'm far to busy with trying to become a mortgage-slave to be going out meeting men, which is why I haven't posted anything in about a million years (in blog time, that is). HOWEVER- I got a message today on Facebook, and to deal with it,I really need your help. Frankly, I'm too wrapped up with Vishal, my overweight mortgage broker, to even think about my sex life, so I've decided to let you make my decisions for me.

So- below is a message I got today, from a boy I have slept with once or twice (OK, maybe three times), but not seen or heard from in two years. TWO YEARS people. Have a read and let me know what you think.
*Please be aware the reference to grouting refers to a witty DIY-related status update, and not anything more sinister.

"Hi ya how’s it going,
Long time I know but I was thinking the other day just how much fun it would be to go and have a drink with you and then on for a night of steamy passion. I think we had fun last time and have been practising so it should be even more exciting this time. I could even do you grouting well help fill your gaps.
What you think?xx"

SO- bearing in mind, I'm in a massive drought, and am not likely to get laid any time soon (despite my efforts Vishal seems to show no interest, which is really rather rude)- can I even stoop so low as to reply to this message?? What do I do? From memory, he was a 6/10 in bed, which is not bad going. The issue is that fundamentally I'm not sure I can deal with an Internet based sex-invite, nor the cringe-fest that the wording above incites (steamy passion? really? not quite how I remember it). However, I am at this moment watching My Best Friends Wedding at home, alone...which feels like some kind of omen. What should I do???????

HELP!!!

Advice to MIWIHSW@gmail.com

Results will be posted soon!!!!

Thank you!!!

Love

Miss V

TIME OUT INTERVIEWS MISS V!!!

For those of you who didn't see it (SHAME ON YOU!!!), I thought I would show you the interview with me in Time-Out magazine. Why yes, that is the cover story, thank you for asking. I'm mildly concerned that I sound like a slutty Sloane, but I'll get over it.

RE-DATING

The other day I was corralling the herd of empty wine bottles in my kitchen into a recycling bag, along with the entire Sunday Times (untouched- I only ever read the Style section), packets of Vogue Menthol Cigarettes, 3 empty cans of Slim-fast and a Dominos pizza box (what can I say- my life is a vicious cycle), and I got to thinking about what else I have thrown away...or what I may have thrown away, but really should have recycled.

Everyone is recycling crazy these days. Going green has never been sexier- I even think that Sloane who runs The Ecologist is hot- not to mention all the celebs who are constantly wittering and Twittering on about how we should be saving the environment. I suddenly realised that I shouldn't be worried about making sure my hummus is organic and my shoes are Stella McCartney- I should be addressing my own poor polluted landscape: my dating landscape, that is. I have to say it is looking rather burnt out and congested of late... I fear if I carry on at this rate it may be in danger of not being able to sustain any life whatsoever. Thus I decided it was time for me to get on-trend, stop moaning about not having a boyfriend and start recycling my old ones, or as I like to call it: Re-Dating.

My first step was to take stock of (some) of the men I have known in my life and decide which, if any, could possibly be salvaged and re-processed into a new relationship, or at least a decent summer liaison, without cluttering up my sexual environment with yet another rotting failed-date carcass. All of the cheaters were immediately ruled out: relegated straight back to the dump. Ditto the narcissistic photographer with a hairy back who in 2 years only told me he loved me when he was on ecstasy. I also cast aside a jealous rugby player who used to spell 'something' with a 'k' (somethink) and 'coleslaw' with a 'd' (coldslaw)- I just can't date a bad speller, no matter how good his body; and a man who just too short (I felt like I was sleeping with the cute blonde hobbit from Lord of the Rings) and also seemed to think we were still in a serious monogamous relationship 4 weeks after I had dumped him, i.e was quite possibly a bit mental.

I consider an incredibly sweet boy I dated at university who looked like a more attractive version of Screech from Saved by the Bell, but a quick check on Facebook rules him out- married (cue mild panic: how is Screech married, when I am still single????????). I reminisce very fondly about a gorgeous medical student who was in my top 3 all time shags, until I remember that he dumped me via text message. Actually debate contacting him for old times sake, until my self-respect calls and tells me to put down the phone.

A bar-man remains in the running: he was very sweet, attentive and a respectable 7/10 in the sack. I try and remember why I stopped seeing him and recall that at the time I decided that a) his hair was too curly, though in fairness he did cut it off when I asked him to, b) he lived too far away- East London to my West, and c) his skin was a bit too shiny (I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds but at the time it used to drive me crazy). A handsome banker was sidelined because he was always late, and even though he took me to fabulous places and was both intelligent and funny, and at the time I thought it was much more amusing to sleep with my slightly over-weight boss (I'll tell you about that another time).

It dawns on me that I have been much more frivolous than I thought! I am living in my own carbon dating foot-print! It was time to break the cycle: and quickly. Within an hour I had arranged a Saturday night date with the banker: he wasn't late and I enjoyed an evening of witty conversation at a wonderful restaurant (as opposed to the 24 hour McDonalds I visited after one of my more recent dates). The universe was clearly rewarding me for my sex-ecological behaviour, because after dinner I climbed out of a taxi and bumped straight into the aforementioned Dr. Text, who promptly took me home for what can only be described as a very thorough physical. And after this very enjoyable evening as a re-dater, I didn't wake up with another notch on my bedpost, or disillusioned with yet another man- already being familiar with and having accepted my re-dates faults. I felt something akin to the smugness I associate with women who carry those Anya Hindmarch "I Am Not A Plastic Bag" totes: and it wasn't half bad! Positive change is in the air, readers: you may think of me as the Al Gore of casual sex, if you so wish.

In short...

To REDUCE your dating pollution, REUSE your old boyfriends, and RECYCLE past shags into present ones!

Image by Doug Inglish, customised by Miss V.

GAY OF THE MONTH: HENRY HOLLAND

For those of you who don't know who Henry is (shame on you!) I thought it would be helpful for you to read what Wikipedia has to say about him:

Henry Holland (born 26 May 1983) is a fashion designer from Ramsbottom, Lancashire, England. He has attracted notice with his bold, '80-inspired T-shirts with catchphrases such as "I'll tell you who's boss, Kate Moss". He is well known for his work with model Agyness Deyn and for being gay (thanks for that Wikipedia, I don't think I would have worked it out otherwise...). His latest collection features a number of tees with acronyms such as 'ctfo', meaning 'chill the f*** out'.

What they neglect to mention is that he is charming, hilarious, and one of my best friends! He has agreed to take time out of his busy schedule of jet setting, posing for photographs, sending obnoxious twitters to make everyone jealous about his lifestyle, oh, and designing majorly fierce clothes- to be my Gay of the Month.

His current dating mantra is: "If he's not the one- jog on." That's right people- he's too busy for small talk. I for one, like the cut of his jib. Henry, I salute you.

Send him your questions!! MIWIHSW@gmail.com

Image by Rankin